just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
did i just pee glitter
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Come on in and take your pants off
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