Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
