YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
