Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
