I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
