i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
