Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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