i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
