I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
wow bdsm is so cute
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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