hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
