Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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