Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
