It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
