this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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