tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
