Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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