Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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