her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
