I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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