Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
