Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
