BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
