I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Randomize
