Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
