Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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