Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
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