god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
