i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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