Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
