I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
