she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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