I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
