I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
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