sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
