whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
should my penis look like a turkey
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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