i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
