I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
