If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
