I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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