Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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