i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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