I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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