You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
