Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
