Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
He did a backflip because drugs
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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