There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
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