I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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