So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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