Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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