First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
